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Screaming
... but at what?
You?
... I must be
Why are you screaming though?
... Oh great, you fucked up again
I didn't do anything wrong
... I fell asleep on the job, boss will kill me
What did i do?
... What did you do this time? please let it be minor
Im so confused
... Oh fuck, why'd you do that?
She's gone
... *taps headset* God, do you copy?
What now?
... *Static* This is god, over
Think
... *replies* God, i fell asleep on the job
Harder
... *static* C.N.S 112 what'd he do this time, over?
I see something
... *replies* heart went awol, lost will to live, lost a friend
Move on
... *static* okay C.N.S. 112, we are working on it right now
Don't look back
... *replies* Thank you! He's coming to his senses. Damn, those are two bright lights
Here it comes, brace for impact
... *Static* C.N.S. 112, report what you see! C.N.S. 112 come in!
©2009 ~Gothguy720
:icongothguy720:

Author's Comments

C - Central
N - Nervous
S - System

kinda a dark take on conscience

Comments


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:icondarkeststarlight:
So the concept of this is interesting but its not a very reader friendly piece. If you broke it up differently it might help, (add some line breaks or even write it more like a script with an indicator of who is speaking)it's just very very hard to follow.

I like:
-"heart went AWOL, lost will to live, lost a friend"
-the implicated car accident

However, your protagonist seems to know that its coming (brace for impact) and I think that seems a little too dark, you may want to make it more like a realization or him thinking the light is something else rather than him just waiting for the car to come hit him.
Though of course that could be exactly what you're going for.

anyways, hope that helps.

--
:frail:What Is Lost Can Always Be Found:frail:
╰☆╮If You Are Afraid You Know You're Alive╰☆╮
:icongothguy720:
nah you hit it on the head mate! ^_^

would it make more sence just to take out the (brace for impact)

would that convey the realization more?

--
Outreaching the closest left side the city sleeps beneath me
:icondarkeststarlight:
It would definetly help

--
:frail:What Is Lost Can Always Be Found:frail:
╰☆╮If You Are Afraid You Know You're Alive╰☆╮
:icontreuvontrapp:
Hmm, it's very interesting to be sure. This is a concept I don't believe I've seen before.. and to be honest, I'm a bit confused about what's going on.
I've got the general idea, but as the other commenter said, it would be helpful to have perhaps a script layout.
Sorry I couldn't be of more help!

--
:jester:

You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star.
Friedrich Nietzsche

best emote EVER ->:typerhappy:

You Are Lovely. Pass It On: [link]
:icongothguy720:
k thanks ^_^ ill be sure to do that !

--
Outreaching the closest left side the city sleeps beneath me
:icongemmfyre666:
this reminds me of my poem voices =)
i dunno what i can say that the other 2 people haven't already said
but i like the idea alot

:hug:

--
Offical Pill Giver
Drowning Pool Maintenance Person
DAA Registered Visitor Badge # 8.
Offical Finder Of People For Nico To :spank:
:iconezekiels-sword56:
solid concept bro, keep fleshing it out. theres not much i can say that the other havnt
:icongothguy720:
thanks man! will do!

--
Outreaching the closest left side the city sleeps beneath me
:icongothguy720:
thanks boss!

--
Outreaching the closest left side the city sleeps beneath me

Details

April 18
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